The Best Advice On Forgiveness You Will Ever Get

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A few months ago, I saw a quote on Instagram that read, “YOU DID WHAT YOU DID. I FELT HOW I FELT. WE ARE WHERE WE ARE & IT IS WHAT IT IS.” – @_LUKEHAMILTON_

When I read this quote, I to said to myself, out loud, “That’s REAL!”

It has taken me a long time to get here, but I have come to a place where I no longer need the people who hurt me or did me wrong to acknowledge what they did or to validate how it made me feel. The truth is… that they knew their actions would cause me pain before they acted. The problem is… they did it anyway and then expected to return to the same place that they once held in my heart.

You can’t change people or the past.

Experience has taught me that you can’t change people or the past. You must learn to love and accept people for who they are, where they are, and not based on who you wish them to be or where you want them to be.

This hard lesson has not been only isolated to experiences throughout my own romantic relationships but includes my relationships with family, friends, and business relationships, as well.   

Understand potential vs. reality.

Expecting to reap the benefits of who people have the potential to be, is like cracking a freshly laid egg and expecting to get a full-grown bird. IT AIN’T GONNA HAPPEN!  

As crazy as that sounds, that’s what many people expect. The reality of who people have the potential to be and who they are, can’t co-exist. Potential is based on what’s possible tomorrow, but the reality is what we have to work with today, and you can’t celebrate the fulfillment of potential without going through the realities of today. Thus, the reality is, you can’t force people to meet your expectations.

Consequently, you must base your next move on who YOU want to become; and then you can make your decisions and moves based on where YOU want to go and what YOU want for your life.  

Focus on your own path and purpose.

Learning to focus on your path and your God-given purpose is the key to not allowing your mistakes and failures, the actions of others, resentment and unforgiveness to restrain you from the life God has designed for you. 

When I learned to focus on myself, to focus on what I could control, and to focus on forgiving those who have hurt me and fallen short of my expectations, life then became much easier. 

Forgive others.

Now, I am not going to lie…forgiveness is not always easy.  Although, for me, forgiving others has often come with minimal effort and I have always considered myself to be a very forgiving person… the first few times. However, when someone continually exhibits behavior that they know will hurt me and I have to continually extend the gift of forgiveness; eventually, though my mouth says, “I forgive you,” my heart begins to hoard the wrongs, which then begins exposing themselves through my behavior and attitude towards that person.

As much as I wanted to truly forgive the person, I felt that forgiving him/her meant that I was condoning or excusing his/her actions.  I also felt that forgiving the person who continually hurt me, meant that I was weak and that I lacked self-respect and strength. I felt that as long as I held onto my anger and resentment towards the person, it would protect me from being as hurt the next time around because based on their pattern, I knew that the time would come again.

Unfortunately, it did quite the opposite. By holding onto unforgiveness, with each new offense, my heart hardened and my attitude only grew colder towards that person. I would begin to concern myself less and less with their needs and redirect my focus and energies to protecting my own heart and meeting my own needs. Eventually, I realized that the unforgiveness that I was harboring, was doing more damage to the person that I was, by chipping away at my happiness and my peace. With each lie, each disagreement, and each selfish act, the walls that I was building grew higher and higher until I realized that the person hurting the most was me.  

Forgive yourself.

When I came to the realization that forgiving my offenders was necessary for me to heal, I  began to focus on the things that I could control. I collided head-on with the truth…my truth. My truth was that the bitterness and sadness that I felt, even after forgiving the other person, wasn’t actually towards them, it was towards me. 

Once I really began to examine the situation and dissect my emotions, I realized that all I had done was transfer the blame from them to myself.  I would torment myself with questions like, “how could I have been so dumb, why did I allow them to hurt me over and over again, why did I need them to admit they’re wrong, to validate what I already knew to be true” and so on?  Holding on to unforgiveness and the many negative emotions that I felt, begin to limit my ability to deeply connect with others and develop meaningful friendships and relationships. It was a hard pill to swallow knowing that I was the one that was mostly responsible for the pain that I was carrying and that people can only continually do to you what you allow.  

I had to realize that the other person doing better was not a prerequisite for me to do better.  It was a choice.

Dejuan S. jordan

Admitting the part that I played in the situation and taking ownership of my mistakes and failures, helped me to realize that in doing so, it also meant that I was the one responsible to forgive myself and take the necessary steps to move forward. I had to realize that the other person doing better was not a prerequisite for me to do better.  It was a choice.

I also had to take into consideration the fact that I am not perfect and there are people who I have had to be forgiven by and things that I have had to be forgiven for. Talk about humbling!

When you finally get to a place where you trust God enough to become number one in your life and trust Him to lead the way, you won’t have to stress trying to figure out who is meant to go into the next season of life with you.  Holding grudges and pointing the blame does nothing to make things better or change a person’s behavior. You have to learn to accept the fact that sometimes their choices are more important to them than their place in your life…and that’s OK. 

Learning to forgive myself and others removed a weight that I didn’t realize I was carrying until I felt the lightness of putting it down.

DeJuan S. Jordan

You don’t have to forget in order to forgive.

I have often heard people quote, “forgive and forget.”  However, I believe that there are some experiences that stick with you for a lifetime.   I have learned that forgiving is not forgetting what happened, but forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could be any different. Forgiveness is actually remembering but without the pain.  Forgetting is not that what happened is wiped out of your memory, but forgetting is choosing not to bring it up and hold it against the offender whenever something happens that may remind you of the past offense.

I believe that the inability to forget some things is life’s way of ensuring that we don’t have to experience the same pain again, due to making the same mistakes. I also believe that remembering allows us to help others avoid the suffering and pain that comes from going down the same path that we lost our way on and detoured our lives.  

Experience has shown me that anything and anyone that’s not assigned to your purpose will demote or eliminate themselves, but it’s up to you to stop promoting them back into the same place and position they once held in your life and heart.   Their choices don’t make them bad people, it just means their purpose isn’t connected to yours. 

Find peace.

You will know that forgiveness has begun when you recall those who hurt you and feel the power to wish them well.

Lewis B. Smedes

Your greatest peace will come when you learn to forgive yourself for the part you played in your own story and forgive and love the ones who hurt you, even if it has to be from a distance.  When you begin to desire what God has planned for your life, more than what you feel you may be leaving behind, you will get to a place where can say,  “It is what it is.”